Dear Mr. and Mrs. Average Pet Owner:
Thank you for contacting us animal rescuers, shelter
volunteers, and foster-homes about your inability to keep your pet. We
receive an extremely high volume of inquiries and requests to accept
surrendered animals (and none of us is getting paid, OK?). To help us
expedite your problem as quickly as possible, please observe the following
guidelines:
1. Do not say that you are "CONSIDERING finding a good
home" for your pet, or that you, "feel you MIGHT be forced to," or that
you "really THINK it would be better if" you unloaded the poor beast.
Ninety-five percent of you have already got your minds stone-cold made up
that the animal WILL be out of your life by the weekend at the latest. Say
so. If you don't, I'm going to waste a lot of time giving you
common-sense, easy solutions for very fixable problems, and you're going
to waste a lot of time coming up with fanciful reasons why the solution
couldn't possibly work for you. For instance, you say the cat claws the
furniture, and I tell you about nail-clipping and scratching posts and
aversion training, and then you go into a long harangue about how your
husband won't let you put a scratching post in the family room, and your
ADHD daughter cries if you use a squirt bottle on the cat, and your
congenital thumb abnormalities prevent you from using nail scissors and
etc., etc. Just say you're getting rid of the cat.
2. Do not waste time trying to convince me how nice and
humane you are. Your coworker recommended that you contact me because I am
nice to animals, not because I am nice to people, and I don't like people
who "get rid of" their animals. "Get rid of" is my least favorite phrase
in any language. I hope someone "gets rid of" YOU someday. I am an animal
advocate, not a people therapist. After all, for your ADHD daughter, you
can get counselors, special teachers, doctors, social workers, etc. Your
pet has only me, and people like me, to turn to in his or her need, and we
are unpaid, overworked, stressed-out, and demoralized. So don't tell me
this big long story about how, "We love this dog so much, and we even
bought him a special bed that cost $50, and it is just KILLING us to part
with him, but honestly, our maid is just awash in dog hair every time she
cleans, and his breath sometimes just reeks of liver, so you can see how
hard we've tried, and how dear he is to us, but we really just can't . .
." You are not nice, and it is not killing you. It is, in all probability,
literally killing your dog, but you're going to be just fine once the
beast is out of your sight. Don't waste my time trying to make me like you
or feel sorry for you in your plight.
3. Do not try to convince me that your pet is exceptional
and deserves special treatment. I don't care if you taught him to sit. I
don't care if she's a beautiful Persian. I have a waiting list of battered
and/or whacked-out animals who need help, and I have no room to
foster-house your pet. Do not send me long messages detailing how Fido
just l-o-v-e-s blankies and carries his favorite blankie everywhere, and
oh, when he gets all excited and happy, he spins around in circles, isn't
that cute? He really is darling, so it wouldn't be any trouble at all for
us to find him a good home. Listen, we can go down to the pound and count
the darling, spinning, blankie-loving beasts on death row by the dozens,
any day of the week. And, honey, Fido is a six-year-old Shepherd-Lab mix.
I am not lying when I tell you that big, older, mixed-breed,
garden-variety dogs are almost completely unadoptable, and I don't care if
they can whistle Dixie or send semaphore signals with their blankies. What
you don't realize is that, though you're trying to lie to me, you're
actually telling the truth: Your pet is a special, wonderful, amazing
creature. But this mean old world does not care. More importantly, YOU do
not care, and I can't fix that problem. All I can do is grieve for all the
exceptional animals who live short, brutal, loveless lives and die without
anyone ever recognizing that they were indeed very, very special.
4. Finally, just, for God' s sake, for the animal's sake,
tell the truth, and the whole truth. Do you think that if you just mumble
that your cat is "high-strung," I will say, "Okey-doke! No prob!" and take
it into foster care? No, I will start asking questions and uncover the
truth, which is that your cat has not used a litter box in the last six
months. Do not tell me that you "can't" crate your dog. I will ask what
happens when you try to crate him, and you will either be forced to tell
me the symptoms of full-blown, severe separation anxiety, or else you will
resort to lying some more, wasting more of our time. And, if you succeed
in placing your pet in a shelter or foster care, do not tell yourself the
biggest lie of all: "Those nice people will take him and find him a good
home, and everything will be fine." Those nice people will indeed give the
animal every possible chance, but if we discover serious health or
behavior problems, if we find that your misguided attempts to train or
discipline him have driven him over the edge, we will do what you are too
immoral and cowardly to do: We will hold the animal in our arms, telling
him truthfully that he is a good dog or cat, telling him truthfully that
we are sorry and we love him, while the vet ends his life. How can we be
so heartless as to kill your pet, you ask? Do not ever dare to judge us.
At least we tried. At least we stuck with him to the end. At least we
never abandoned him to strangers, as you certainly did, didn't you? In
short, this little old rescuer/foster momma has reached the point where
she would prefer you pet owners to tell her stories like this: "We went to
Wal-Mart and picked up a free pet in the parking lot a couple of years
ago. Now we don't want it anymore. We're lazier than we thought. We've got
no patience either. We're starting to suspect the animal is really smarter
than we are, which is giving us self-esteem issues. Clearly, we can't
possibly keep it. Plus, it might be getting sick; it's acting kind of
funny. "We would like you to take it in eagerly, enthusiastically, and
immediately. We hope you'll realize what a deal you're getting and not ask
us for a donation to help defray your costs. After all, this is an
(almost) pure-bred animal, and we'll send the leftover food along with it.
We get it at Wal-Mart too, and boy, it's a really good deal, price-wise.
"We are very irritated that you haven't shown pity on us in our great need
and picked the animal up already. We thought you people were supposed to
be humane! Come and get it today. No, we couldn't possibly bring it to
you; the final episode of "Survivor II" is on tonight."
Thank you, Mr. and
Mrs. Pet Owner, for your cooperation.
* Author Unknown, but could be any shelter worker or
rescuer.
Go on to Snowball the
Prozac Bear
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