Animal Stories from All-Creatures.org

My Little Boy, Winston

From Anthony Botti
Facebook posting, January 29, 2023

When I assumed the responsibility for this beautiful, damaged little dog I understood what it would take to help him heal from his past trauma, to allow himself to be loved.... to learn to TRUST (someone, if not everyone).

(Please see more pictures and videos HERE.)

I had to say goodbye to my best friend in the world last night, my dog Winston whom i love more than life itself , suddenly he is gone. I have no more tears to cry. I am heartbroken.

I adopted Winston just over three years ago., he had been in an abusive situation for a number of years, finally ending up in a shelter at the "senior" age of 8 years old. Although the shelter made very clear that Winston had psychological / emotional trauma, was terrified of basically everyone and acted out in strange ways, the first time i looked into his eyes, and he looked back up at me - a quivering mess of anxiety and suspicion - it was done. I was done. his trembling, fearful disposition made no difference to me, nor did his age. I always try to adopt older animals - the worn, weary, discarded treasures just about everyone overlooks. i fell in love with Winston and knew i was taking him home forever.

i am in too much pain right now to write a lot of details, the pictures and videos tell the story better than i can. . . in summary , it took me months to earn Winston's trust, little by little, step by step, day by day. Anybody reading this who has been to my house can attest to the sheer panic and dread, the quivering terror Winston experiences when anyone visits, even people he's seen multlple times. every visitor is a new trauma for him. Winston never could tell me what it was that he was put through; those familiar with him, and with the situation, know i made every effort, tread every avenue and left no stone unturned trying to figure it out and help him work through it.

Whatever it was that happened to Winston during his first 8 years on this planet permanently scarred this gentle little dog - humans of all shapes and sizes terrify him - hence, "daddy" has been living as a virtual hermit for the last three years. Though I have no human children, it needn't be said that parenting is sacrifice....... when I assumed the responsibility for this beautiful, damaged little dog, i understood what it would take to help him heal from his trauma. to allow himself to be loved., to learn to TRUST (someone, if not everyone)....

Within a few months...well.... the pictures and videos attached here speak for themselves. Winston adjusted to his "forever" home, and his new daddy. A rapport came first, with daily walks around the block... it was me and Winston against the world... After a couple of months he migrated from sleeping on the "safe" sofa downstairs, to his own little bed right next to mine upstairs, though most nights his little bed was empty and cold, with Winston warming up MY bed (and half my body), sleeping at my side,.. his soft, gentle breathing holding a slow, steady tempo across the night. one night, six months into our journey together, Winston suddenly climbed into my lap and licked my face. I was simultaneously shocked and exhilarated, and of course he got that "lovin' treatment" back a hundred-fold.... I was always hopeful we'd one day reach that plateau, but never took for granted that we'd actually get there.... .....then suddenly, there we were.

Alas, through time and shared experience, bonds of love, and - just as critical - bonds of TRUST were established, nourished and fortified between us... I loved Winston from the first day we met, and over time, he learned to love me back in his own unique and special language... I love all my animals, but Winston......Winston was my "miracle child"....Winston was my happiness.

Winston was my first "good morning, buddy!" hello after waking up. his was the image in the frame on my desk at work , the one i could look at any/every time i was tired, upset, feeling flogged by the routine, frustrated with all of it. there they were - his soft, round, gentle eyes staring back at me to remind me that it wasn't all bad, that he'd be waiting for me at home when i got there, to absorb his eager kisses and shower him with love in equal measure. i knew that as soon as i got home from work and swung that door open, i'd hear that "thump" upstairs, of Winston jumping off my bed onto the wood floor.,... his big chubby paws soon pitter-pattering and scurrying down the stairs, hitting the ground floor, charging me with reckless abandon and eagerly pouncing on me, trying to get as many licks in as he could before i shuffled him outside for his walk.......there are a million stories, and the walls of the house that became his "forever" home could tell you most of them....Winston was my happiness.

Unfortunately, "forever" came too soon for Winston and me......

The past couple of days, my little boy was suddenly (uncharacteristically) disinterested in his food, increasingly lethargic, hesitant to go up and down those stairs that he always ran up and down with such gleeful abandon. Yesterday afternoon, i set him up for a vet visit. Last night - on my 50th birthday - intervals of accelerated, labored breathing were added to Winston's other troubling symptoms... now, it was time for a visit to the 24-hour emergency vet.

This is so hard to write, especially with tears flowing down my face..

It turns out Winston had, in a very short time, developed a fast-growing, metastatic cancer in his stomach, and at the age of 11, any attempt to even figure out if it was operable would have involved all kinds of invasive, painful procedures, surgical risks, complications and - most certainly - trauma, fear and suffering for my baby boy, little Winston who had already endured so much in his short life. The death blow to my heart was the vets' consensus - the likelihood of anything other than risky, painful consequences for my beloved companion was extremely low, and the likelihood of him surviving this after all that pain and trauma was even lower. Though the tumor was not visible on his body, it had grown so large , so fast, that the doctors were fairly certain it had already migrated to his lungs, his lymph nodes, who knows where else. At most, they told me as i reeled in shock, my heart collapsing, barely processing their words..... my best friend and the pure light illuminating my life, a dog named Winston would have at most 3 to 4 weeks, and the discomfort he was experiencing was only going to get worse, steadily becoming more traumatic and painful... his little body would deteriorate, his organs would fail and most importantly his last days of life would be filled with pain and suffering. no matter how much l loved little Winston, the stark reality was i could do nothing to help him.

I couldn't listen anymore. then disbelief. A piece of my soul died the moment reality sunk in, the moment i realized what i had to do. suddenly, so woefully abruptly, i had to say goodbye to the dog i love so much.... my best friend, my companion, my 'joie de vivre' ... a beautiful bassett mix named Winston who had just turned 11 two days prior, would not be coming home with me last night.... there i was ,on the exam-room floor with my little boy, holding him in my arms, suddenly faced with the heart-crushing decision to bid him farewell .. .on the very night of my 50th birthday,...2 days after Winston's 11th birthday, and just a month after the death of my mother. What a winter this has been. it has frozen my heart and broken it into shards. I don't even know where to look for the pieces.

I am crushed. I am heartbroken. I love my little boy so much. he is not here with me tonight, only ghosts and shadows everywhere i look. in all his favorite hangouts, in every room he had his favorite little "spot" - always the coziest and the cushiest. I walk into my bedroom, expecting to see his boxy ol' head & big floppy ears pop up amidst the pillows and blankets... in eager, wide-eyed anticipation of the affection coming his way, only to see nothing more than a dismal, heart-wrenching mess of pillows and blankets - cold, lifeless, unwelcoming, inanimate. No Winston there staring up at me, wagging his little stub of a tail, waiting for me to pounce on him and shower him with affection......

My little boy is gone. he died in my arms last night. i held him tight and told him i loved him, repeating it like a feeble mantra as if that would help somehow - even as he struggled against the sedative to sit up and lick away the tears streaming down my face, even as the euthanasia took hold, slowly draining the life-force from his warm little body and stealing the animation from his big round eyes, even as he fell silent and still.

Winston is not here. Winston is gone, and wherever he has gone, he has taken my heart with him.

This house, the one i have lived in for almost 10 years, and shared with him for more than 3 of them.... has never felt so empty, so big, so dark and formidable, so cold. This is hard. Writing this is hard, but for my own mental health, i don't see how to get around sharing the story of this beautiful, special dog named Winston, whom i loved so much. abruptly, in a span of less than 24 hours, my whole universe has been turned upside down. I am gutted. I have no ground to stand on, everything is colorless. if i am to heal from the gaping void in my heart, i need to share Winston with you, and let you see in pictures/videos all the beauty, love and gentleness he was too fearful to ever let anyone see for themselves.

Please don't go crazy looking for words of consolation, my friends, all of us who love our fellow animals have been through this; it sucks, and it's a foregone inevitability when we welcome these precious little ones into our lives, into our homes, and especially into our hearts, that one day, we'll have to bid them farewell.... but he was only 11. he was healthy and happy, he aced all of his vet visits. it all happened so fast. though i haven't slept much in the last 24 hours, i am still trying to pinch myself, wake up from this nightmare, jump on the floor and roll around with him, hug him, squeeze him, kiss him, hold him.... then it all slips away, washed over by a wave of pain i wouldn't wish on anyone.

I am sharing all this not only to honor/celebrate Winston's life but to share with you a little of my journey with this beautiful dog. In truth, this is also my attempt at "self-exorcism" from these unbearable feelings, the ugly new reality that sunk my heart as i awoke this morning, the cold chill hovering where Winston's little bed was nestled snugly against mine just yesterday afternoon. My happiness is gone. i feel completely empty. this is going to be a long hard road, and nothing but time can help me out of this abyss.

I hope you enjoy the photos and videos of a special, beautiful little being named Winston whom i shared my life with, who conquered my heart, and who will live there forever...

Wherever you are, my gentle little man, on whatever happy green hill you are trotting across, wild and free under the sun... i know you understand why things had to be this way. Saying goodbye to you, little one, was one of the hardest things i've ever had to do, if not the hardest. In that moment of dread, drowning in pain at the thought of suddenly living without you, i found enough clarity to know that i wanted the last few of our 1100+ days together to be days of happiness and relative comfort, and thankfully they were! My love for you, little Winston, rendered UNTHINKABLE any "option" which involved subjecting you and your little body to a risky, uncertain, slippery-slope of pain & suffering.

My beautiful little boy.... you're not here and my heart is broken! whatever awaits me on the other side, the first thing i'll be listening for when it's my turn is the "thump" telling me you're off the bed and onto the floor, soon followed by the excited pitter-patter of those big chubby paws pouncing eagerly down the stairs.

mio piccolo bambino, mi manchi già tanto..!

::::::Safe Journey, Winston:::::
[ 1/26/2o12 ~ 1/28/2o23 }

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!
You Will Live In My Heart Forever

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