March 2013
“Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly
love; in honor preferring one another.”
(Romans 12:10)
According to neuroplasticity theory, our repeated experiences shape our
brains, especially the brains and personalities of youngsters. The
family environment is incredibly powerful to influence the molding of either
well-balanced, thriving, happy, kind individuals or dysfunctional, stressed,
unhappy, unkind and cruel individuals. Which is YOUR family producing?
Do you know?
Have you thought about your family relationships lately? Do family
members keep in contact, pay attention to one another, do positive, fun
things together, affirm one another by noticing and commenting on nice
things done, let one another know they are “there” in times of need?
Can family members feel reasonably secure in one another’s nurturance, now
and in the future, as circumstances will allow? Are misunderstandings
talked about openly, and easily resolved, with good spirits? Do family
members act as though they are genuinely interested in one another’s lives,
and are attentive and enthusiastic to hear how someone else is doing, and to
share in what others may be excited about? Is everyone equally valued
and shown ongoing consideration, eliminating rivalries?
On the down side, are there family members one seldom, if ever, hears from?
Does the family generally expect all its members to go find others to relate
to and to do things with? Do family members’ commitments to one
another feel really insecure and superficial, because expressions of real
valuation and interest don’t actually happen? They’re all “busy” and
otherwise involved? Are the number and variety of topics which are
“ok” to be talked about very limited, so that get-togethers can be described
as superficial and, in fact, quite boring? In a worse case scenario,
are there unresolved issues which are taboo to be brought up or worked
through, with periodic flare-ups of ugly drama with concomitant hurt and
trauma to those involved? Do frozen misunderstandings go on year after
year, with no possibility of being cleared up? Is there physical or
verbal bullying going on? Teasing? Are some family members
lauded and applauded while others are mercilessly scapegoated? The
list of very harmful interactions and manipulative game playing could be
infinite. Of course, all the above is exceedingly sinful, and not at
all what Jesus is about. For Jesus, love and caring are “for real,”
critically needed, and should be consistent and ongoing. We are
created gregarious.
Probably few individuals now days have taken a good look at what actually
happens in their family interactions. And, probably fewer individuals
realize the very real mental, emotional, and physical harm negative family
relating can cause – low self-esteem, post-traumatic stress disorder,
depression, crippling anxiety, loss or minimizing of achievement in life,
physical problems, mental illness, alcoholism, suicide, etc. and etc.
Very real felt pain and very real damaging of persons. Such
environments do not provide the basic, gut feeling of SAFETY that all beings
need. Moreover, children growing up in dysfunctional, abusive families
usually exhibit the same type of dysfunctions through their lives,
perpetuating these very harmful dysfunctions generation after generation,
having brains that developed without adequate (or any) conscience, and
perhaps angry explosiveness, abusiveness, and countless other negative
patterns. Callous indifference to the suffering of others, including
animals, is often an outstanding characteristic.
Probably a significant percentage of people alive today do not really know
what relating and living in a genuinely kind, nurturing group of people
feels like because they did not experience this as they developed, and don’t
now either. They DO NOT REALLY KNOW what a crucial difference loving,
caring, committed, stable relatedness makes in happiness and general
well-being. The joys and pleasures of truly mentally and emotionally
interactional synchrony are not even “on their radar” of experience.
The specifics in this whole area have not been taught or lived in this
culture near, near enough. TRAGIC!
Tragically, the end-of-the-line victims of dysfunctional family (or friend)
relatedness are the innocent, helpless family pets and other animals who
receive cruel and/or neglectful treatment from angry, frustrated family
members. They get picked on, especially, because they (usually) can’t
hurt the cruel family member back.
- One round of hurt and pain after another that doesn’t have to be that way.
I know family relatedness is VERY hard to change, but so much could be done
to increase the health of family relatedness with good information as to
how, and consistent, kind effort. Core problems are that (1.) many
people don’t realize its importance, and moreover, (2.) don’t know what to
do to make things better. Detailed specifics are not taught in school
or in church, and Emily Post’s clear guidelines for good manners aren’t
around anymore (no wonder people can’t do better!)
I am inviting you to “hang in there” and read my hopefully helpful list of
kind, non-intrusive ways thoughtful family members can work to enhance truly
good, beneficial, happy family relatedness for any and all members. I
am calling it “A Checklist for Caring Hearts.”
Copyright 2013 The Caring Heart
Go on to: Checklist for family caring hearts
Return to The Dance of Life Series