April 2013
“He that loveth his brother abideth in the light and there is none occasion of stumbling in him.” (I John 2:10)
Join-up, which happens when two sentient beings, be they of the same
species or of different species, each make the decision to accept one
another’s communication signals and to accept the invitation to operate in
harmony, or cooperation, with one another. Monte Roberts named this
relationship phenomenon “join-up,” when he could successfully engage wild
horses in accepting his invitation to work together with him, then becoming
willing to be ridden after only one half hour of training. In human
terms, this deeply cooperative relationship has been called by various
names, including attachment, bonding, interactional synchrony, attunement,
and being connected.
Human babies greatly need attunement with their mothers to progress in good
development. You have no doubt read so many stories of animals of one
species really “buddying up” with one of another species, or the same
species, and spending their lives together, taking care of one another, and
seeming to really enjoy the harmony and closeness of their lives.
People bond so tightly with their pets.
I , read a doctoral dissertation some years ago, wherein the author found
that many women loved their horses more than their husbands. Why?
Evidently they felt joined up more perfectly with their horses, in ways that
are difficult to describe, and which seem to be based on a spiritual
connectedness. In so much good riding, harmony with the horse is the
ultimate goal to be sought, wherein the horse responds perfectly to even the
slightest cues by the rider, and the two seem as one. Talk about joy!
The deep contentment and exhilaration of a ride like that can last for days
afterward. “Transforming” and “transcending” would both be words
helpful to describe the deep sense of somehow participating in another
dimension – a higher dimension – of “abiding in the light.” While
existing in “the zone” of true harmony, deep acceptance, and reciprocal
communication, the problems in life seem to fade into an obscure background,
out of awareness. Instead, life seems bursting with meaning and
significance. True love is happening between the two, that they are
remarkably open to one another, and each operates to supply what is needed
for the other, and for the activity being engaged in. True caring
seems entirely natural. Joy and happiness are felt, as well as comfort
and security in the company of the other.
Well, how can we learn to have more of these marvelous relationships?
In the first place, we have to be honest beings, as each participant has to
deeply trust the other, which can’t happen with dishonesty. Then, a
lot of natural or learned skill has to go into the mix. For example
when a baby cries, the baby is telling Mom he or she has a need. Mom
has to have the awareness and the skill to know what that need is and to
meet the need in a timely manner. (Sometimes that can be very
difficult when Mom has tried everything, and the baby still bawls!)
Another example would be my effort to understand and to communicate to my
horse how he was feeling. Sunny did not want to trot around in a circle on a
lunge line, to be exercised. He was nice in his way of telling me he
did not feel up to it, but he just kept coming in close to me and not
“taking off.” Finally, the light bulb came on in my head. “He’s
still tired and sore from a lot of exercise a couple of days ago.” I
just gently quit, gave him some loves and treats, and put him away.
Sure enough, a couple of days after that, he did just fine, having had
enough rest.
The point in that example is that, in order to have such high-level, high
enjoyment, cooperative relationships, we need to really watch and listen to
the other, and we have to communicate to the other that we do understand and
will act in accordance with caring about the other and with what is good for
the other. Real empathy and compassion need to be ongoing. If I had
persisted in forcing Sunny to trot and canter, which would have made him
quite uncomfortable right then, I may have really damaged our relationship,
and his willingness to act in cooperation and harmony with me. He
wouldn’t trust me. I would have become a hurtful person to him – one
he would need to protect himself from and guard against.
Go on to: What’s your family’s psychosocial health scorecard?
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