An Article Series from All-Creaturs.org
Animal Rights/Vegan Activists' Strategies
Vegan in a Non-Vegan Potluck or... How to Enjoy the Holidays while Vegan
From
Conversations with a Friendly Vegan
November 2023
Regardless of how long someone
has been vegan, it's still hard sometimes to be the oddball in the group and
it can feel pretty terrible to watch as everyone praises the flesh on the
table.
As the holiday season approaches, vegans tend to get a little
preemptively anxious about the many festivities that will feature
animals as main courses. Regardless of how long someone has been
vegan, it’s still hard sometimes to be the oddball in the group and
it can feel pretty terrible to watch as everyone praises the flesh
on the table. Here are some of the things I and my vegan friends and
clients worry about followed by some suggestions on how to cope, if
not with ease, then at least with a strong and healthy state of
mind.
WORRIES
- Aunt Judy might get upset if we don’t eat the turkey. From her
perspective, she worked hard to provide a beautiful meal and we’re
being ungrateful and rude.
- We’ll bring a dish to share and everyone will act like it’s poison.
We’ll feel frustrated, disappointed, and rejected. We’ll return home
with our nearly full crudite board with the cashew cheese we made
from scratch.
- Cousin Milty will challenge us using a nonsensical argument we’ve
heard a million times. Any response sounds defensive. Logic has no
impact.
- What everyone else sees as a beautiful, festive meal is forever
transformed for us into a display of death and destruction.
Sometimes we can compartmentalize but this proves difficult on
occasions when the deceased are the centerpiece. Communicating our
perspective in any way feels awkward at best. It is rarely
well-received and more likely will be seen as us being overly
dramatic, bordering on histrionic.
- While we may love being vegan overall, we miss the days when we were
more like everyone else in the room. While we love our family and
friends overall, we wish it wasn’t so exhausting to be different.
TIPS
- The first step toward enjoying our time with friends and family is
to understand ourselves better. There are two, basic human needs
that come up again and again when you’re vegan in a non-vegan world;
the need to be authentic and the need to be connected to others (who
are likely not vegan). When you’re making life choices that run
contrary to the social and cultural norms of your family, there’s
this undeniable tension between these two, important needs. Being
authentic means that you get to be yourself, without having to edit
out important aspects in order to be accepted. Connection includes
how disagreements are handled within the context of your family or
friend group. If a respectful expression of your views results in
being put down or iced out, it’s unlikely you’ll feel safe enough to
speak up. Your need for authenticity may not be met and you’ll feel
crummy.
- Realize that you have options. You may choose to forego dinner and
join your friends and/or family afterward. You may decide to host an
all-vegan Thanksgiving. You may join with vegan friends for a
Thanksliving fest. Perhaps you’ll talk to your family members ahead
of time, and give them a heads-up about your concerns in hopes that
this will alleviate tensions. If you’re an adult, it’s up to you. If
you’re younger and still living with family members who don’t see
things your way, you’re facing different challenges. The point is to
identify where you have a bit of control and someone who is able to
hear your concerns and needs.
- Plan for pushback. Express yourself with clarity and confidence.
Hear the person out. Listen for the underlying need. Take a deep
breath. Remind yourself that there’s nothing wrong with an honest,
respectfully stated expression of your beliefs (even if it’s hard
for the other person to hear). It’s okay to reschedule the
conversation. Accept that some people will not see things your way
or accept you standing by what you believe. Acknowledge their
objection and re-state your reason and request. For example, you
might say, “I hear your objection. My goal is to enjoy our time
together. When I see animals as food, I feel very sad and it’s
difficult for me to relax and enjoy myself,” and then make a request
such as, “Would you be willing to make an adjustment when we eat
together?”.
- Find community. Find your in-person or virtual vegan friends.
Support, validate and uplift each other.
- Practice self-compassion and self-care. Be patient with yourself.
Determine what activities help you feel more centered and calm when
you’re feeling stressed and schedule time for those activities.
There are no easy or particularly comfortable answers when it comes
to the holidays. This seems to be a universal phenomenon, even if
you’re not vegan. To learn more, join me at one of my (at least)
monthly Zoom gatherings.
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